pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
