I just threw up on my dentist
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
