Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
