Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
