also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize