I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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