He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
