Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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