a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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