I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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