Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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