I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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