Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
4 words: hood of his car
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm getting married
To pizza
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
