"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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