Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
