don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
