Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
