remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
