I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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