There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
