i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
