I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
