WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The air taste purple.
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