opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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