new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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