checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
