i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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