Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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