He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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