our cab driver is having phone sex.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
