Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Drunk is not a location!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
