Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
