You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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