They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
