Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
