I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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