You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
