you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
