woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize