fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
40s are totally the cure
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
