Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
