Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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