It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
