sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
