Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I love you.
Bad choice
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