You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize