had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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