She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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