# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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