The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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