I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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