Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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