On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
