is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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