How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
