i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
