I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he thought i was a dude.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
