i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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