I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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