I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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