I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
