Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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