u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
