Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
