I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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