I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
